So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
