Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
