I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
