Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
