i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
