I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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