He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
