I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
