you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
