if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
