He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
