My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i've created a new STD.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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