The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
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