im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
