is your mom at the bar?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
