Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
