every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
