My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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