"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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