How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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