I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
