Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
