no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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