is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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