i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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