Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
