I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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