I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
