I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
