his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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