i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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