I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
