She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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