Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
