DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
