I looked at my own cervix.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
