i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
