I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
