So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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