i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
so much tequila, so little girl.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
