But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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