i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
