I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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