I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
