She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
