I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
