Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
