I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
