i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
