Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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