so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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